I started writing this 2-3 months back, got a few paragraphs in, and forgot to finish writing it.. until now! I tried to reconcile my thought processes at the time, though I still kind of know where I was going, just not how I was getting there. In conclusion, I Frankenteined this thing, and so despite it coming out a bit like a Picasso painting, I think what I was trying to say is in there, and how I wanted to say it shows up in small portions.
Ever since I was about 13 or 14 years old, I have actively been partaking in all types of video production (along with other media production). I think if you’re a young kid with a creatively oriented mind, there is no better hobby or passion to have, really. I also think that if you’re a shy kid, then the worth of it is even greater. I know I was provided a lot of opportunities to really be closer to myself through making short movies when I was younger, as opposed to the gravity that we all feel to resemble the singularity mind that is formed through a blend of our culture and society, the media, our communities and the collective minds of people our age. I could go on and on, sounding like a local actor reading a customer testimonial for how some small business product changed my life, but that isn’t what I’m here to achieve. The point is, it has had a big impact on my life, and I’d consider myself someone who has been involved with forms of media production for about half of my life.
Given this path of enthusiasm my life has taken, I ultimately have tossed around the idea of using this passion and hobby and trying to monetize it or make a career out of it in some form. I know when I graduated high school I pretty much wanted nothing to do with it. I wanted to keep it as a hobby, something that I do for fun with some of my friends and that’s pretty much it. When I set on my Entrepreneurship major, it once again came into the picture as a key factor. One of the things I realized was I don’t really want to work. I surely don’t want to work some normal kind of job. It always bothered me in high school how everyone was so submissive and accepting of the norm of working– and because they are of high school age, working the crappiest possible jobs out there. It was just something you did when you came of age.I guess that there is a good point just from a financial perspective, especially if (attempting to finish this half-finished sentence 2 months after I started writing this….) your draw in life pretty much requires it. I am fortunate enough to have gotten by without the necessity of such a thing. My point here, which is actually quite deviated from what I am ultimately going to write about, is that I am not into the status quo. It is too easy to get lost in the current if everyone is headed that way, anyway.
More to the point, I have tossed and turned, flipped and flopped, bounced and backed on my opinion of film/video production, though it ultimately has a strong linear progression; fun/hobby, career and future, creativity and possibly art (don’t like to use the word). Here is the thing with it all, I’ve been involved with this for so long, I’ve probably been involve with the creation of over 200-300 works, many very small and short, of course, but it has been a long time. Despite this, nothing I have helped produce has fully represented the creative being that is shelled up in this cage of flesh and bones. There are hints and signs of it there, but it is always very diluted.
I’ve spent the past 2 years rather inactive with all of my creative pursuits; music, writing, video production, and so on. I’ve spent stacks of time these past 2 years inhaling, without any exhalation. I intake as much information as I can. Much of it is useless and rarely does any of it appear to coherently connect to anything else I’ve ‘researched’ (as I call it). For instance, I’ll spend several hours a day sometimes just reading and analyzing arguments held over various websites– interesting thing to note, most of the time the people arguing aren’t disagreeing by the time the argument is halfway through, despite the fervor of the dispute continually rising. There is no structure to this great engulfing of data, I just drift around the cyberverse and observe for a while, until I find myself prodding and poking around with a stick, until next thing I know I’ve got the microscope out, not taking off the lab coat, goggles and gloves until I can break down the professional Starcraft (a computer game released in the late 1990’s) scene in South Korea, or the entire life cycle of the Juice Boosted free internet scam from the early 2000’s, all the intricacies included. When you can’t sleep, anything can be engrossing. Three to eight in the morning flies by, too.
One of the last stops I encountered on this journey of immersion was the viewing of my first Stanley Kubrick film. Kind of weird that I had gone so long with never seeing any of his works, especially considering the film ties and what not. Making things brief, the intake on this end still hasn’t ended, and more importantly, it has really shaped– reformed my ambitions. Beforehand, I knew that I couldn’t go too much longer ballooning up like this. I needed to get back to a state of output. Things were lining up for this to start happening, and I had plans, and several ideas in their fetal stages. I guess I just wanted to make some stuff, more than anything though. The difference now, is that I really want to get my vision out there. So often you’ll hear that phrase tossed around, like the director’s vision, or artistic vision and so on. In many other art forms, the creator’s vision is very clear due to the sole proprietorship of many creative outlets. In video production, film, TV and similar formats, it is really hard to produce something that is really what is stirring within yourself. I recently watched some Quentin Tarantino interviews, and he really made a good point about the difference between director’s and director’s who also write the movie’s they direct. Not to get into too much of the point he was making, it really is about the only real way that, in my opinion, someone can produce a film or short and have it be really, truly, closely connected to one’s vision for the project.
So that is what had dawned on me. I really want to get my creative vision out there– if for noting else, then to just truly witness what that is outside of my own thoughts and feelings. I am pretty sure anyone who is familiar with the production work I’ve been involved in and the swb crew has this clear cut idea over the kind of stuff ‘we’ do… but nobody really knows what stirs in my head. It is very, very different. As I alluded to earlier, I want to honestly create, I wouldn’t say I want to make art, but just make a truthful effort to pool together all of the creative energy I may or may not actually have and make an honest effort. I’d call it a pull towards actual filmmaking. I’ve always loved doing the silly stuff we do, and I also really love the improv elements we often rely on, but it isn’t what I truly want to be doing right now. Not that I want to abandon that, and there is always time for that, it likely will never cease, but I am going to be driven by a much higher calling, in the creative sense.
When you look at most ‘filmmakers’ or video producers and production companies, how many of them are just hired guns? I guess it is just the offspring of industry and art, but the idea of being someone who is just a hired gun, just hired for my technical abilities (and technical abilities even bleeds into the creative front, that is why we can be approached by someone for an actual job, like say a commercial and easily meet the creative needs, technically, because the writing and ideas behind everything are so standardized). Maybe I’ll lighten up on this a bit in time, but I’d rather be doing custodial work at a fast food joint than just a hired gun, as I call it. So what else do I call it? I want to get into filmmaking. I have no other way to put it. I’m not saying I want to do this as a career or anything like that, don’t confuse me there, I just want to be actively pursuing it, even if it is just on the side.
I always appreciate guys like Harmony Korine, who just do nothing aside from pursuing what they are inspired to do. I don’t know if I watched Gummo or Trash Humpers if I’d like them, or really be able to relate to them well, but the guy is making stuff that is unique to him– we always see his creative vision. Furthermore, and this really would get me back to Kubrick, there is the potential to transcend beyond just that. Of course with Kubrick, he had this absolutely unique ability to weave together these mind blowingly complex and beautiful machinations and often obscure so many layers of his creative vision under surface narratives that had a pretty high level of accessibility, in terms of audience. This goes way beyond an intense 2 year period of absorption, this is 23 years of creative vision that hasn’t been truly witnessed. That is something I just need to see with my own eyes. No other medium comes as close to allowing someone to fully unveil what is inside a person.
All these years of making things that would probably be referred to as funny, or attempted humor, and in all honesty, I’m not much of a humorist. I’ve got a few months of notes slowly piling up, and I hope that when those notes are in their complete form it turns out better than this, which I finished over the course of a few months, jaja. From April 20th, to June 21st, 5 am and my brain is out of juice. Good night